Sobriety & Weight Gain - My Story of Healing

I've been wanting to write this post for a long time, but I wanted to make sure I had a handle on what I wanted to say first. We're taught in our coach training to share from our scars not our wounds. In other words, I needed to heal a bit first before I could share this bit. 

When I was drinking I was obsessed with my weight. I am talking obsessed. I would wake up every single morning, pee, and then weigh myself. My goal weight was always 110 pounds- but to get to that weight I had to continually starve myself.  Literally. At the height of my drinking in 2018/2019 (when I was using alcohol to cope with grief from the loss of my mother), I hit 109. I posted a photo of myself on the beach in Ibiza and you know what happened?! My instagram blew up. "Oh my gosh you look soooooooooo good!!!" All the fire flame emojis. You know how it goes. 

Part of me thought to myself, "I've done it. I'm thin. I am pretty." but deep down I was broken, I was sad, I was miserable. I felt damaged. I felt inauthentic. I felt like I still wasn't good enough. I thought, "If I could be 109, I could get to 105." I realise now what a sad place that was to be. 

There's a new term that I have seen pop up called "drunk-orexia" - and it's exactly what it sounds like- consuming minimal food so you can drink alcohol. And there are more and more women who hear that word and automatically identify with it, and I guess I do too. 

In order to drink the amount I was drinking and stay at my "goal" weight, I couldn't eat a lot. As we know, alcohol is empty calories, so I was barely eating, but drinking a ton. I got to the point where I figured I could get more bang (buzz) for my buck (calories) wise so I switched from wine to tequila. I would drink the trendy tequila with sparkling water. When I went to visit a friend in Dallas this drink was actually on the menu- ranch water- "brilliant!", I thought to myself. The skinny girls way to get sloshed. 

Fast forward to 2020- Pandemic- My spiritual awakening (ha!) or something to that effect. One of my very early thoughts on the whole quitting drinking thing was that I would be able to stay skinny because I was ditching the empty calorie-fest. I started to get vocal on my personal instagram about my journey and one of the most frequently asked questions was- "did you lose weight?" And you know what? I was ashamed, because I didn't lose weight. I didn't lose weight at all. I was gaining weight. 

I got to the point where I was so incredibly sick and tired of torturing myself with hangovers and starvation that I just said "Screw it!" I ate every single piece of banana bread or muffin or cake that my daughter baked during lockdown. I leaned into ice cream as a treat. I gained 15 lbs. I read a book called the F*ck It diet and I got really angry at diet culture and enraged to be living in society that was already telling my 11 year old daughter that she wasn't the right size in advertising aimed at pre-teen girls. My pendulum swung the other way. 

A few months later, in late 2020, I was wrapping up my first coaching certification and I was ready to hit "publish" on this website. I was on a zoom call with a fellow-coach. She said "Christy, I have something I really need help with. I don't feel like I look the part to be a sobriety coach." and her sharing with me made me burst into tears because I felt the same. I didn't feel like I was thin enough to help people step into a healthier sober lifestyle. If people wanted to quit drinking and lose weight, how could I tell them that I quit drinking and gained weight. Even if if was because I was a mentally unhealthy weight for me to begin with. 

When I had that thought, I realised I needed to do some serious work. I had some body image stuff I definitely needed to heal from.I found a book by one of my favourite teachers Jess Connolly called Breaking Free From Body Shame,(Would highly recommend!) and I started to pray a lot about this.

I didn't want to step on the scale in the morning, not see a certain number and have it ruin my whole day. I wanted to be able to enjoy but moderate food. I figured if I could quit drinking, I definitely could overcome this next battle. But I am not going to lie to you girls, it's hard. It's been a journey.

The reason I am sharing this is, well, it's for so many reasons. I have spoken to so many women where these two struggles- overcoming drinking and loving our bodies goes hand in hand. It sure did for me. When I ask women why they want to quit drinking a lot of the times- more often than not- I get, "I'd love to lose some weight." But what if I told you that when you're happy about your weight, that's one more thing you don't have to numb out with alcohol from. When you're secure in yourself, and love the skin you're in RIGHT NOW, you don't have to drown out that voice saying you're not good enough. Not thin enough. Not pretty enough. See how it's all connected?! 

Can I let you in on a secret? This sobriety thing has nothing to do with how much you are drinking or how much you're eating... it's actually about how you want to feel. I wanted to feel free both from alcohol and from the mental bloodbath of feeling like I wasn't thin enough all the time. I had to work on both. I still have to work on both but it's getting easier. For me, the alcohol cravings are gone. I have zero desire to drink, but when I stand in front of the mirror I still have to battle with that voice that says "you'd be cuter if you were 5 lbs down.")

I learned I didn't feel good when I was drinking, I didn't feel good when I was starving myself, but I also didn't feel good when I was just eating whatever I wanted to because  the"f*ck it-diet-book said I could! 

Obviously working on self-love is a big part of it. When we love ourselves, when we know we alone are enough, there is less to numb, and therefore less reason to drink. Less reason to want to binge on a box of Oreos. It all goes hand in hand.

Another thing I had to figure out was exercise. I learned to stop using exercise to torture myself for eating too much and exercise because it is so good for my mental health. There is so much scientific data that says that moving your body isn't just good for your body- it is so good for your brain. So in order to mentally heal myself, I had to move. I listened to a podcast recently by Curt Thompson, a neuroscientist, and he explained that in order to have a healthy brain you have to work it out just like you do your muscles. The best way to do this is by aerobic exercise. So if you want to have a healthy brain, and especially if you want to heal your brain from all the drinking (alcohol destroys the grey matter in our brains) that we have to move. But I let myself move in a more loving and graceful way now. If I just got a good dog walk in that was good enough for me. Calories burned be damned. I just felt better moving. 

I also learned, and you probably already know this, but that you get the same sort of dopamine hit that you do from drinking, as you do exercising. So if you're on the giving up alcohol journey then moving your body is so incredibly helpful. I really urge my clients to at the very least walk for 30 minutes a day. Not because they want to get into a different size pair of jeans, but so that they can feel better. 

Another reason I wanted to share this with you is because if you do give up drinking and you don't lose weight, WHO CARES?!?!  If getting thin is your only motivation for giving up drinking, can I encourage you to reframe this goal. Sobriety is about SO MUCH more than that if you are open to it. It's about FEELING YOUR BEST, and that may be at a different size than you originally thought you would feel your best at. 

I didn't lose weight when I quit drinking, I gained because I was coming from a really unhealthy place. However, I can tell you that I am stronger physically than I ever have been. I enjoy exercise for the first time in my life, and I am the happiest I have ever been about my body. I'm probably 10 lbs heavier from that old (insane) "goal" weight (I actually don't know for sure because I don't obsessively weigh myself anymore) but I'm okay with that now.

Do I have days where I feel icky and bloated, and wish I was thinner. Of course I do, I am a human woman. But I try to turn those thoughts around and remember all that I have learned (and am still learning.) I try to echo what I learned in Connelly's book- God made my body and He called it good. I don't always have to strive to change it. Treating myself like a never ending project of getting beach body ready or party season ready no longer serves me. Nobody is putting that pressure on me but myself, and I thrive when I toss that pressure out the window. 

Another thing I learned is that you have to take this whole healing thing SLOW. So many times I speak with women and they're about a week or two in to their alcohol-free journey and they say "I want to lose 15 lbs. I want to quit sugar. I'm ready to give up carbs." Can I encourage you today my friend? I did the same. I thought if I can give up alcohol, then I can be the beacon of health, but I wish I had given myself more grace in the beginning. Health on the inside, in your mind, in your heart, is TOTALLY different than what the world tells us healthy looks like. Go slow and listen to your body. It may need ice cream and some carbs in the beginning. The insane sugar cravings won't last forever, I promise. If your body is screaming at you that you need a nap, then for heaven's sake skip the spin on the peloton. Your body is healing my friend, this is NOT an overnight process. 

If someone had told me in the beginning of 2020 that I would be happier and healthier in two years time, that I would love exercising, never weigh myself, enjoy eating, and be comfortable 10 lbs heavier I would not have believed them. And what's more, I would have been scared because the only part of that last sentence that I would be able to focus on is the 10 lbs heavier part. 

For me, sobriety is so SO much more then an avenue for weight loss. It's a journey of healing, and when you find freedom from alcohol, you may learn like I did, that the next step in your particular journey is to heal yourself from both diet culture and body image stuff. 

Alright babe.. I am so glad I finally sat down and wrote this. It feels like another step in my own healing and, as always, I really hope it has helped someone else reading this. If you want to chat further about drinking and weight and body image and drunk-orexia and exercise as a tool for cravings, or ANY of it, you know where to find me.