Is it ever "just one?"

"Can't you just have one?"

Sure, I could, but I was never drinking for the feeling that came from "just one".

I wanted a total change in feeling.

In mood.

In reality.

I wanted to become someone else.

I wanted to shut off the mental chatter telling me the truth- that I had become someone I didn't recognize anymore.

It used to be a running not-so-funny joke when I walked out the door and told my husband I was going out for "just one."

Most of the time, it meant I would come home long after the kids went to bed and fall asleep in my makeup.

The switch between being able to just have "one", and not being able to control how much I was drinking was a slow and steady process that took place over a number of years.

Until March 9 2020, when I woke up and literally didn't recognize the person I had become.

I no longer wanted to be her anymore.

I wanted to be me.

Does "just one" feel good? Of course, it does. I'm not going to tell you that the dopamine smack from alcohol doesn't feel good.

But let's get real, my beautiful friend- is it ever "just one?"